Updated: May 8
‘Mom! You are becoming an angry bird!’
These words from my son hit me like a thunderbolt. It happened a couple of years ago when I was sailing through rough weather. Things were going haywire in my life and I had no control over my flagging self-esteem. Anger took over and I did not realise the havoc it was causing to my health, career, and personal relationships.
But these words from my five-year-old awakened my core. It made me realise my lack of awareness and the urgency to work upon my emotional stability. The first question that came to my mind was, ‘Is anger helping me?’ The immediate answer was No and that made me reflect, pause, and ponder.
I sat in silence and tried to talk to my angry self. First, she (angry self) was reluctant to listen and bantered about this whole exercise. Then I cajoled and persuaded her (angry self) to listen to me for once. She (angry self) finally gave up after lots of deliberation and persuasion. The talk started and an agreement was drawn that both would listen to each other patiently, calmly and above all, quietly. My first question to her (angry self) was what makes you angry and why do you lose temper so easily? She (angry self) replied vaguely that if something did not happen as per her wish, she gets irritated.
I said okay, and then asked her (angry self) Don’t you think anger is a weak substitute? She (angry self) thought for a while and answered, Maybe! Then I further questioned her, What makes you feel irritable? She (angry self) then said I feel offended when things do not happen the way I want. Life keeps on throwing curveballs and these kids, husband, mother in law do not understand my predicaments. All these people make me irritated when I am going through the lows of life. I then smiled and asked further so that she (angry self) does not get offended with me, Are these people really responsible for your anger or do you lose self-control easily? The answer was on expected lines. Though agitated, she (angry self) answered, It is not me who is at fault all the times. These people neither care for my emotions and feelings and nor do they understand me well. How can you blame me squarely?
I calmed her a bit with a loving smile and then began quietly, Dear! I am not blaming you and anyone else. We all are humans and remember ‘To err is human’. My point is if somebody is not behaving as per our expectations, can’t we change ourselves a bit? To change oneself is quite easy as compared to changing others. What is your opinion? She (angry self) then was in a quiet reflective mood and answered calmly, Yes! You are right. I need to work upon myself first. Change begins with you first.
When I felt she (angry self) was becoming more understanding, I said, Let’s initiate a new beginning of sorts. Whenever you get angry, come to me and we will together find a way out. Keep a check on your emotions and when you feel a sudden rush of anger surging, be quiet for that moment and let it go. She (angry self) agreed and finally we made a pact that we would be spending time together in times of distress, pain, and agony. Though we failed sometimes, we continued our talks regularly with an intention that life is beautiful when we make it so.
It proved right that ‘Energy flows where the intention is’. Slowly and steadily we started making progress. Though it was not easy for her (angry self), she finally made it possible through her dedication, determination, and perseverance. And as the saying goes, What you seek is seeking you.
Pranic healing came into my life and changed my entire persona, my outlook, and my perspective towards life. Finally, the angry self-started disintegrating and merged into the true self. I started learning the value of self-mastery as well as soul mastery. It is rightly said that every dark cloud has a silver lining, and yes during those stressful and testing times, a new me started emerging from beneath the layers of mental darkness and ignorance. Though she (angry self) felt thwarted and disheartened at first, she finally faced a severe crisis as I accepted the new me within.
Friends! you might be wondering and feeling amused with this conversation, but it is the reality of which I once lived, and now I am learning and improving upon it constantly and consistently. Anger is an immensely powerful energy and when it consumes our being, it creates havoc not only within ourselves but also within our immediate surroundings. We become the first victims of our own anger and then make our near and dear ones victims to the unpleasant emotion. It creates a vicious cycle of blame game and mental as well as emotional abuse. Sometimes it percolates to physical abuse and domestic violence. So, what should be done and what needs to be done?
Since ages, many theories have been propounded and pronounced to understand and tackle this universal menace. No doubt, they have produced valuable insights and significant results but there cannot be a fixed universal formula as the human mind is the most difficult to comprehend and understand. We all are different and unique in our own ways. It made me go deeper into its dimensions where I found certain generic causes and their resultant outcomes. I found most of them were behavioural and psychological. Sharing some of these with an intention to help each other so that we can further dwell upon it and create an environment where we could live with more peace and harmony: -
Non-acceptance and lack of adaptability- In life, we face many upheavals and go through various unwanted and uncertain experiences. Most of the times we fail to accept these as they are not desirable as per our wishes. So, we do not make peace with them and continue condemning, complaining, and crying. Our lack of adaptability makes them more excruciating and the resultant outcome is mental agony and loss of temper. Therefore, we must realise that acceptance is the first step as nobody has power over uncontrollable factors of life. One must accept, learn, and move on. It is not easy, but it is possible.
Low self-esteem and feeling of powerlessness- One of the most common factors which I discovered is poor self-esteem leading to frequent bouts of anger. When we feel powerless in front of others owing to our low academic, professional, financial, and societal background, we tend to react more angrily as we feel irritated and suffocated by what we believe is our own shortcomings from within.
A missing sense of self-worth, self-love, and self-confidence- According to psychologists, this is one of the most prominent reasons mismanaging anger streams flowing out of the self-system. Because of certain episodes and events in our lives, we develop a strong sense of poor self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence that we might carry throughout our lives. All these results in a lack of happiness and thereby adds more to the misery, resulting in creating an angry stimulus forever.
Lack of conscientiousness- We all are part of a societal structure having our own families, relatives, friends, and other social relations comprising of our peers and colleagues. We work closely with each other in several aspects of life and sometimes lack of conscientiousness by others triggers anger within us. We might feel cheated, exploited, and threatened. Therefore, the resultant cause can be heightened anger within us.
Anxiety, worry, and depression- When we go through low phases of life, we also suffer from anxiety issues fearing what might happen next, which causes a chain of worry and mental uneasiness. It snatches away all our peace and happiness. We tend to lose all hope and forget to live and enjoy the present moment and that becomes a source of great anger.
Pent-up emotions or bottled up emotions- Sometimes we keep so many things to ourselves thinking not to offend the other person or create an unhealthy environment at home or the workplace. The resultant outcome is bottling up or stocking the emotions inside which might get trigger later and create great havoc or upheaval through anger.
Lack of humility and sense of false self-pride- Sometimes, false self-pride and lack of humility towards others can also be the root cause of anger. When one’s pride is not acknowledged by others, it triggers anger and thereby causes judgments and biases.
Subconscious programming- It is often mentioned by psychologists that sometimes the subconscious is programmed in such a way that anger becomes an inherent part of a personality, like a trait, and despite many attempts and efforts, it cannot be controlled. In such a scenario, counseling and therapy from an experienced professional is required.
Jockeying for a position in the relationships – It’s ironic that the human mind is conditioned in such a way that it seeks to control others. If we observe the human psyche closely, we will find out that whatever be the form of a relationship, we all vouch for a superior position and often end up creating misunderstandings and miscommunications. All this results in frequent anger bouts and episodes.
Falling back into the self-trap- Consciously or unconsciously our minds are wired with certain self-beliefs and thought patterns. Sometimes an individual’s mind is conditioned with destructive self-beliefs which result in limited self-growth and development, leading to frequent anger tantrums. It can be corrected through constructive coaching, but sometimes it becomes difficult to alienate with those self-beliefs and that can be the cause of further anger and misery. Here lies the role of a strong mentor or a guru who can guide the person accordingly.
Forgetting the Soul to soul connection- We all are souls encased in this human body but we do not treat each other as such. We easily forget that we all are divine beings and we must respect the divinity within each other despite our differences in opinions, thoughts, and belief systems. When such ignorance engulfs our being, anger sprouts up and leads to constant strife and dispute.
Childhood conditioning and resultant behavioural patterns- Psychologists have often found out that sometimes the anger issue is carried over since childhood because of some conditioning that might have happened during those tender years. Even parental behaviour and attitude of upbringing during those formative years might be a cause.
Lack of open-mindedness- Open-minded people do not impose their beliefs on others. They just accept all of life’s perspectives and realities, doing their own thing in peace without judging anyone. But there are others who find it difficult to accept and digest change. They might get offended or irritated with new lifestyles, habits, or behaviours of others and thus vent their resentment through anger or violence too.
Judgement is good but it should be meticulous- We all have a habit of judging others and it is a natural tendency among human beings. Judgement, when done meticulously, results in great bonding and relationships, but when done otherwise can cause frictions and misunderstandings. This may lead to anger and frustration inside.
We should act but not react and overreact- When faced with any adversity, how do we react or respond to others, matters a lot in triggering anger issues. If we act sensibly and do not react at all, things would be under control but if we mess up with our response, it might result in unpronounced anger.
Multi-tasking- Multi-tasking is not easy. It requires a lot of patience, perseverance, and practice. The absence of such factors, lead to unwanted anxiety, worry, and frustration. Failure in accomplishing certain pre-defined or pre-planned tasks might become the cause of anger.
Procrastination and Failure in Prioritisation- Psychologists have traced that one of the major root causes of anger is procrastinating tasks and activities and then losing temper when the deadlines are not met. Similarly failing in proper planning and prioritising things also causes unwanted mental stress and this might result in subsequent anger episodes in one’s life.
Emotional, Financial, and mental insecurities- Human behaviour is not only difficult to comprehend but also to decipher as well. The human mind when riddled with any kind of insecurity results in unusual tantrums and sometimes behavioural discrepancies. It can also result in great anger and resentment towards oneself, towards life and towards others as well.
Feeling of unwantedness when emotional, psychological, physical, as well as financial needs, are not met- Most of us go through such phases in our life when some of our needs are not fulfilled. We get irritated and frustrated as at that moment we feel jittery and even find life to be meaningless and less worthy. This might cause a stupor of anger inside us and we lose many moments of happiness and joyfulness.
Societal pressures and pulls- Sometimes owing to the overdose of certain societal pressures and pulls, the person sometimes feels intense pressure and might also feel the heat of societal responsibilities. In that moment of desperation, one might lose temper and indulge in unnecessary and futile arguments, thereby leading to angry reactions and overreactions.
Lack of better communication and unrealistic assumptions- This is one of the most fundamental causes of anger especially when it comes to managing and handling relationships. First, building unrealistic assumptions and expectations and then not being able to communicate them through rights words and right channels is the underlying cause of mental, verbal as well as physical abuse in various relationships.
Spiritual vacuum- Spirituality is the gateway to salvation. It is the supreme way of life and if the spiritual quotient goes missing in our life, our life loses its sheen and its profound meaning and purpose. Sometimes the root cause of anger can be traced back to the missing spiritual course, discourses, and practices in one’s life.
After analysing and studying these factors, one thing I strongly realised that whatever may be the cause of instigating anger within oneself, one must be aware and open enough to accept and acknowledge it. Acceptance is the key to self-realization and then starts the journey to overcome these obstacles, but the question arises as to how? Here, I do not want to preach, propagate, and pronounce something new. My simple yet profound takeaway on it is:
‘Whatever you are looking for, it's already there within you. Connect to yourself, observe your thoughts, feelings, and emotions with detachment, and focus your attention, time, and energy where you want things to grow.’
I have experienced this in my life in 2016 when instead of pointing fingers at others and blaming others for my miserable life, I started working on myself. Firstly, I kept a check on my thoughts and corresponding emotions and feelings. Then, I debated with my inner self to keep the negative thoughts at bay. It was very tough in the beginning, but yes it was not impossible. Slowly and steadily, the love for the self oozed out and I started nurturing it on a daily basis. Though the mind faltered many times, yet the intent was powerful enough to keep hopes alive that I can do something better in my life. Step by step, I improved upon my mindset, and finally, the dark clouds of mental darkness started dispelling, giving way to new skills and horizons. In a nutshell, when I finally decided to tame the demon inside, divinity also came to my rescue. An array of self-help books came into my life, followed by my journey into blogging and writing quotes, attending various workshops nationally as well as internationally, co-authoring and jointly editing few books, and then doing a Practitioner’s course in NLP.
The biggest turning point happened when Grand Master Chao Kok Sui, my Spiritual Guru, and the Revered Founder of Modern Pranic Healing came into my life and I became the chosen one to do the Basic Pranic Healing Course, thereby attending various full moon meditations and nurturing sessions. The further advancement happened by doing the Advance Pranic Healing, Oneness with Higher Soul, Psychotherapy, and Arhatic Yoga preparatory level.
And now, the Lockdown period so far has been a blessing in disguise as this period has been full of learnings and healings at a deeper level. The entire credit goes to the World Pranic Healing Foundation of India, Yoga Vidya Pranic Healing of Maharashtra, The Centre of Pranic Healing, Pune.
Lastly, I would like to say, if you are looking for any kind of help, you can connect me on my WhatsApp number @ 7722045508. I shall be glad to help you in connecting you with your inner self.
About the Author
Dr. Gazal Chetan Bansal, Ph.D. is a spiritual evangelist and a practical thinker. She is the founder and CEO of ‘Conscience Connect’ which aims to build up people holistically and wholesomely.
She holds Doctorate in Political Science and is an NLP Practitioner, a Pranic Psychotherapist, and an Arhatic Yogi. She is a Blogger and a prolific writer. She has co-authored and edited various books.
She writes to inspire people that deep contentment is the outcome of the passionate actions and courageous commitment towards compassion.